Last month, I passed through the first anniversary of my sister’s death. That meant we had hit all the firsts – First Christmas without her, First Birthdays (hers and ours) without her etc. I was told that firsts are hard. Passing each one like a little snick against your heart. So how do I feel now?
I travelled back to England to be with my family for that time. And since I hate travelling, Grief and Anxiety got to get re-acquainted once again. Despite the travel stress, it was needed for everyone and I’m glad I was able to do it.
But now I sit here, in my Craft Room, surrounded by boxes to open and shelves to be put up and I’m not sure how I feel. For almost the whole of the last 12 months, I was immersed in dealing with all the bureaucratic mess that death causes. It was a good distraction in a way.
And while it’s not completely over (I now have to spend arduous amounts of time shutting down her business websites, her social media and all that stuff) the urgency has faded. There can be time limits to dealing with a decease person’s estate but the online stuff, well, that’s not as important so it’s not tugging at my attention.
So I’m sitting here struggling to even contemplate going through yet more of her life. But at the same time, I want it done, I want to draw a damn line under all of this. I need that. I NEED that!
And as with all deaths, it makes you look at your own life, to step back, take stock and usually make some shocking or painful or uncomfortable discoveries.
I hate these kinds of epiphanies. I’m not big on life hitting me in the face with some Life Lesson. But sometimes you need that face-hitting moment.
Have I had an epiphany? Yes I have. Was it a massive surprise? Not really, but sometimes you need to be jolted out of your comfort zone to make you see the damn obvious. I need time to think on it, time to decide how this will change my direction. I’m not trying to be secretive, but I’m not ready to share it yet.
I’m doing what I can for my mental and emotional wellbeing, am I doing a good job? Probably not. In fact, I feel like my brain is broken right now. I don’t feel like me and I haven’t for longer than I’d like to admit. I am considering going back to grief counselling, sometimes talking to someone can help. Sometimes.
Sorry for the randomness of this blog post but sometimes I will use this place just to get thoughts out.
Thanks for reading my rambling nonsense.