One Year On

Last month, I passed through the first anniversary of my sister’s death.  That meant we had hit all the firsts – First Christmas without her, First Birthdays (hers and ours) without her etc.  I was told that firsts are hard.  Passing each one like a little snick against your heart.  So how do I feel now?

One Year On (from the death of my sister)

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I travelled back to England to be with my family for that time.  And since I hate travelling, Grief and Anxiety got to get re-acquainted once again.  Despite the travel stress, it was needed for everyone and I’m glad I was able to do it.

But now I sit here, in my Craft Room, surrounded by boxes to open and shelves to be put up and I’m not sure how I feel.  For almost the whole of the last 12 months, I was immersed in dealing with all the bureaucratic mess that death causes.  It was a good distraction in a way.

And while it’s not completely over (I now have to spend arduous amounts of time shutting down her business websites, her social media and all that stuff) the urgency has faded.  There can be time limits to dealing with a decease person’s estate but the online stuff, well, that’s not as important so it’s not tugging at my attention.

So I’m sitting here struggling to even contemplate going through yet more of her life. But at the same time, I want it done, I want to draw a damn line under all of this.  I need that.  I NEED that!

And as with all deaths, it makes you look at your own life, to step back, take stock and usually make some shocking or painful or uncomfortable discoveries.

I hate these kinds of epiphanies.  I’m not big on life hitting me in the face with some Life Lesson.  But sometimes you need that face-hitting moment.

Have I had an epiphany?  Yes I have.  Was it a massive surprise?  Not really, but sometimes you need to be jolted out of your comfort zone to make you see the damn obvious.  I need time to think on it, time to decide how this will change my direction.  I’m not trying to be secretive, but I’m not ready to share it yet.

I’m doing what I can for my mental and emotional wellbeing, am I doing a good job?  Probably not.  In fact, I feel like my brain is broken right now.  I don’t feel like me and I haven’t for longer than I’d like to admit.  I am considering going back to grief counselling, sometimes talking to someone can help.  Sometimes.

Sorry for the randomness of this blog post but sometimes I will use this place just to get thoughts out.

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Thanks for reading my rambling nonsense.

Signature & logo of Ari Meghlen

25 thoughts on “One Year On

  1. I think you have done marvellously, Ari! You have managed to deal with all of that bureaucracy and you have managed to cope with yet more travelling to attend a reunion with your family. No-one could have done better than that. Now that that is all over you must deal with your own grief and loss, a process that has been partially delayed by all you have done for others. It will take time and you will feel very strange at times, I am sure. You must accept that you will feel numb, confused, unhappy, angry for a while and that this is quite natural. Eventually you will begin to feel stronger and then you will be ready to carry on your life in whatever direction you wish to go. As for all your sister’s on-line accounts; they can wait until you are ready to tackle them but as you know, the sooner they are dealt with the better you will feel. Are some of her sites less personal than others? Could you not ask someone else to help you with this task, a mutual friend or a relative perhaps? It would ease your burden and maybe help someone else with their grief by giving them something to do. As you have realised, being busy helps us deal with traumatic events and there might be someone you could turn to who would be pleased to help.
    I wish you and your partner all the best for the future,
    With love,
    Clare xx

    1. Hi Clare, thank you, your comment really made me feel better. It is strange having the sensation of loss hit me harder now well after the fact.

      I did find my sister’s online accounts too taxing after everything so did almost nothing. I think I’ll give it a few more weeks before I try again.

      Thank you again, ~Ari

  2. Victoria Zigler

    *Hugs*

    Thursday will be the one year anniversary of when my Nan died. I don’t know how I feel about it. And I don’t know how it can feel like it couldn’t have already been a year, while at the same time feeling like it’s been much longer.

    1. I am sorry, Tori. The first anniversaries always seem to hit us hard but they leave us feeling “strange” in a way.

      Yes, I completely understand that – the feeling that it just happened but also that it;s been forever when it’s just been a year.

      Sending you blessings, Ari

  3. This is so hard. If it helps to hear it at all, just know that it’s OK to have a broken brain, to ramble and to need time. Grief is a process. And it doesn’t follow a set timeline.
    It’s been two years since Mom passed and visiting her grave while we travelled…it broke me and healed at the same time, and I didn’t know how badly I needed to until I was there.
    Praying you get the peace and clarity you need ❤

  4. It’s not rambling nonsense Ari – you got your thoughts out of your head and into this forum. You’d had a lot on your plate before your sister’s death, so no wonder you feel like you do. And to accomplish all you did, taking the task of all the details to spare your parents that agony and effort, during a pandemic year no less, took a lot out of you. I hope you and your partner can take a time out to step away from the details and the sadness, just the two of you for a short while. Then get back on track and see that counsellor if you still feel the need to do so. Take care of yourself Ari.

    1. Thank you Linda. It has been a relief knowing the paperwork etc has been done. I hadn’t realised just how much stress I’d been holding sorting it all.

      Thank you for your continued support and kindness. ~Ari

      1. lol we did recently try that… we went to one of our favourite parks…lasted 15mins before a wasp fell out of a tree, landed on my head, got tangled in my hair, panicked and stung me.

        I can tell you, a sting on the scalp is REALLY sore. So we had to leave! lol We’ll try again soon.

      2. Oh for goodness sake! I can see you saying “ah, bliss – I’ve waited so long for a chance to just relax” and then that. I didn’t realize they’d sting your scalp – ouch, I can imagine it would be painful. Yes, try again before the weather turns cold and ugly!

      3. lol it certainly put me off going to that park for as while, but we’ve been to some others since. I will eventually go back but maybe avoid the tree areas until the wasps have passed on 😀

      4. I don’t blame you – I keep watching this little mud dauber’s nest the wasps made on my garage door. I see entrance holes – the first sign of wasps and I’ll have to take action. The whole nest is just the size of my first. Hopefully the wasps go away in the Fall.

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