This post was meant to be a Writing Update. But today is different. Today is the 3rd anniversary of my sister’s death. And right now, I just want to talk about it. Trigger Warning: Suicide
TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide
In Grief
Grief is a strange thing. It can be a crushing weight that never seems to ease. A shadow just in the corner of your eye. A wave that swells over you when you don’t expect it.
Time does allow some healing, some space to breathe but this image, below is right, it doesn’t really get smaller. You just move your boundaries around it, so you can function.
It’s been 3 years since we lost my sister, and my grief isn’t smaller and sadly neither is my anger. Though they both slip into the back of my mind at times so I can continue.
In Anger
Anger comes because she took her own life. She made a choice to do that.
And yes, I KNOW intellectually that she must have been in pain, must have thought it was the best choice, the only choice. I know that feeling – many people know that feeling. That hopelessness, that feeling of just wanting it all to stop…
But emotionally, all I know is that she chose that over every other choice and the rest of us are left to pick up those pieces. So yes, I have anger.
“The person who completes suicide, dies once. Those left behind die a thousand deaths, trying to relive those terrible moments and understand… why?” ― Clark
There are good days, days when I remember her fondly and with laughter. Then it flickers and I’m left with knowing what she did, how it hurt my parents, how she didn’t try and reach out. How I had to make a decision and it haunts me.
In Sorrow
To all of you who have lost loved ones, in however it happened, whether it was expected or not. I wish you healing from your grief, and strength to get you through the rough times.
To Those In Pain
To anyone who contemplates… please don’t. Your mind can tell you no one will care, everyone will be better off, and there’s no way out – it’s wrong. So wrong. What is left behind is broken pieces and jagged edges that never fix.
“Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting any better.” ― Unknown
There is always a way out, always a way through the struggle and the pain. Always.
“To anyone out there who’s hurting—it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help. It’s a sign of strength.” ― Unknown
List of Suicide Crisis Lines By Country
~ ~ ~
Author Ari Meghlen Official Website 
Thank you for sharing, Ari.
Thank you for reading. It felt quite cathartic to let it out.
Love posts like that. And it comes across to the readers too 😀.
Oh Ari, I’m so sorry about your sister and the way she died. People who commit suicide always feel that the world is better off without them, but in truth it’s those of us left who are the ones who suffer. I agree with that image/diagram, that grief is still there but life moves on making it easier to bear with, although it’s always there. Sending you so many hugs and so much love, and if you ever need to talk you know where I am and can always text me. ❤ ❤ ❤
(btw I had to reset my phone last year and didn't know I didn't have you number saved to my card so I lost your phone number 😦 )
Thank you Kat. I appreciate your kind words. It was difficult to write but also very cathartic.
Is your number still the same? If so, I can text you so you have my number again.
I’m glad it’s been cathartic for you to write. Sometimes we just need to be able to let it out. ❤ Yes my number is still the same. 🙂
Ari, I was sorry for your loss when it happened and sorry now as it still pains you on each anniversary of your sister’s death and random thoughts as well as you and your parents deal with “why”? I had a friend in high school who committed suicide. The last person I would have expected to do so. Tom was always cheerful, smiling, fun to be around. His parents were on vacation over Easter and he used their car and, while driving recklessly, Tom got into an accident. He knew he would be punished for it and they would be disappointed in him, so he wrote a note to them explaining why and ended his life. Back in 1973, that was not a common thing for a young person to do. It was just prior to graduation from high school. We mourned his passing as a group … a very large group as there were 613 in our graduating class.
Thank you kindly, Linda.
I am so sorry to hear you lost a friend to suicide and for such a reason, it must have been so hard on his parents. These kinds of deaths always remain with us, don’t they?
It was hard with my sister, the years prior she had struggled immensely but the year it happened everything was turning around, new apartment that she loved, job she was enjoying, all the stresses and frustrations had started to go and she got things back on track. Even her business was doing really well… that’s what made it so hard.
It makes you wonder what the trigger was for your sister Ari? Maybe the pandemic had something to do with your sister’s mental state and overrode all the good feelings of her newfound happiness with her business and personal life.
It may have been. Sadly, since her note gave no hints we will never know 😦
That is sad and perplexing Ari. I know you and your parents will always wonder what triggered this sad loss.
Oh Ari! Losing your sister to suicide must be the hardest thing to bear; so much more so than losing her to a terminal illness or an accident. The tragedy is that she must have truly believed there was no other choice; that the world would be better off without her. I am so sorry for you and for your parents. I understand now more clearly why you had to deal with her affairs after she died.
With much love xxxx
Thank you so much Clare, for your kind words. It was hard… is hard. We may not have been the closest family but we talked every week, she rang me often to vent and chat.
She had friends she rang every day. My parents were always there if she needed them. It was so senseless that she managed to convince herself no one could or would help.
It is a tragedy I hope more people realise and seek help rather than doing something so permanent.
Excellent post, Ari. I’m really sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Thank you kindly, Andrew. I truly appreciate your kind words of support
You’re welcome, Ari, and thank you for your support. I appreciate it, too.
My heart breaks for you and the family. I lost a dear brother 48 years ago due to an industrial accident. It still hurts. ❤️
Thank you kindly, Darlene for your words of support. I am so sorry to hear of your own loss, yes it does still hurt. These losses of those so early in life always leave deep scars.