There is an ironic reason this blog post never made it up on Friday. It was due to the fact that Friday was a rough day for me.
In truth, this year has put me through the wringer and because last year was pretty rough too, I am just struggling to find the energy and motivation to keep going.
That Hollow Feeling
Friday was particularly hard and I crashed badly. Now, there is nothing more depressing than feeling hollowed out by everything and realising you really don’t have anyone you can talk to.
My partner, who I would always turn to first, is dealing with the aftermath of the latest family emergency that occurred a few weeks ago.
He has enough to deal with, though in the end, I did speak to him just to help keep me afloat.
So, since I am currently the poster-child for “barely functioning” should I really write a post about dealing with tough times?
*shrug* probably not.
But tough times happen. They hit us hard and leave us bleeding inside.
To Reach Out or Not
And if those tough times just keep coming, you can find it hard to keep on getting up after it knocks you down. Believe me.
It’s hard to forge on with a passion when you feel unmoored. When you sink and sink and no one seems to even notice.
Some people find it easy to reach out. They will fill their Facebook or Twitter with posts about rough days they’ve had, conditions they suffer and problems they encounter.
In doing so, those who connect with them can (hopefully) see and can reach back, assisting, supporting and caring.
But there are those of us, who find it hard to reach out. Who find the idea of being so detailed about our private struggles, extremely painful.
In fact, the most I usually do is state there’s an issue and vanish for several days. Even just writing this blog post is hard. Despite the fact I am keeping the issues private, I still feel exposed. I feel like I have no right to air my struggles here. Even though it’s my blog.
In the past, I did sometimes reach out. Again, not often, but I remember crashing so badly that I needed to talk to someone, that I needed real help to keep me afloat. I rang several friends.
(Keep in mind, I’m not a phone person, I hate talking on the phone so for me to ring anyone is pretty unusual). Not one person answered. And not one of those people, having seen a missed call by me (an odd occurrence), texted later to check I was okay and asked why I’d rung.
Years ago I suffered a breakdown. I had been a sounding board for several friends for years while parts of my life had been crumbling. When things got worse for me, I withdrew.
I explained I was struggling and needed time. I was called out for “leaving” them when they needed to talk about their problems. Some of those who I thought were good friends, turned angry and abusive for me stepping away.
That culminated in my stepping away from almost all of my friends from that time and never going back. It was the only way I felt I could stay alive.
More recently, someone asked me how I was doing. My normal reply is “I’m good, how are you?”
However, I replied that there had been an emergency in the family and I was completely exhausted and worried. Their reply offered no comfort, no gentle words, not even as an intro to the rest of their text. Instead, they replied with a list o things they were stressed about.
I don’t mind being the sounding board. I don’t mind if people want to reach out. I always hope they do. But in those few times when I need support, to have no one reach back…
It’s not easy to realise people don’t care
So, how do I deal with tough times?
I keep going. Even when it’s exhausting. Even when I’m drowning. Even when I’m crashing. I keep moving forward. I may slow down, I may crawl along barely functioning but I know not to ever stop.
Oh I still wallow. I still sink into that aching hollowness that comes after an overwhelming crash of emotions. But I try not to stay there. I focus on something I can do. One thing. One piece of control. Even something as simple as brushing my hair and putting it up.
And I do it.
And I repeat that every day.
To all those who struggle, to all those who fall, just get up and keep going… I promise you, with all my heart, it doesn’t last even though it feels like it. You are strong enough, you can get through this, keep going.
I wrote this for me. As the focus to keep going.
Thank you for taking the time to read it.
~ Ari ~