There is an ironic reason this blog post never made it up on Friday. It was because I haven’t been dealing well with my tough times.
In truth this year has put me through the wringer and because last year was pretty rough too, I am just struggling to find the energy to keep going.
Friday was particularly hard and I crashed badly. Now there is nothing more depressing than feeling hollowed out by everything and realising you really don’t have anyone you can talk to.
My partner who I would always turn to first, is dealing with the aftermath of the latest family emergency that occurred a few weeks ago and isn’t around. He has enough to deal with, though in the end I did speak to him just to help keep me afloat.
So since I am currently the posterchild for “barely functioning” should I really write a post about dealing with tough times?
*shrug* probably not.
But tough times happen. They hit us hard and leave us bleeding.
And if those tough times just keep coming, you can find it hard to keep on getting up after it knocks you down. Believe me.
It’s hard to forge on with a passion when you feel unmoored. When you sink and sink and no one seems to even notice.
Some people find it easy to reach out. They will fill their facebook or twitter with posts about rough days they’ve had, condition they suffer and problem they encounter.
In doing so those who connect with them can see and can reach back, assisting, supporting and caring.
But there are those of us, who find it hard to reach out. Who find the idea of being so detailed about our private struggles, extremely painful.
In fact the most I usually do is state there’s an issue and vanish for several days. Even just writing this blog post is hard. Despite the fact I am keeping the issues private, I still feel exposed. I feel like I have no right to air my struggles here.
In the past I did sometimes reach out. Again not often but I remember crashing so badly that I needed to talk to someone, that I needed real help to keep me afloat. I rang several friends. (Keep in mind, I’m not a phone person, I hate talking on the phone so for me to ring anyone is pretty unusual). Not one person answered. And not one of those people, having seen a missed call by me, texted later to check I was okay and asked why I’d rung.
Years ago I suffered a breakdown. I had been a sounding board for several friends for years while parts of my life had been crumbling. When things got worse for me, I withdrew. I explained I was struggling and needed time. I was called out for “leaving” them when they needed to talk about their problems.
Most recently someone asked me how I was doing. My normal reply is “I’m good, how are you?” However I replied that there had been emergency in the family and I was completely exhausted and worried. Their reply offered no comfort, no gentle words, not even as an intro to the rest of their text. Instead they replied with a list of their own struggles.
I don’t mind being the sounding board. I don’t mind if people want to reach out. I always hope they do. But in those few times when I need support, to have no one reach back….
It’s not easy to realise people don’t care.
So…how do I deal with tough times?
I keep going. Even when it’s exhausting. Even when I’m drowning. Even when I’m crashing. I keep moving forward.
Oh I still wallow. I still sink into those dark feelings and that hollowness that comes after. But I try not to stay there. I focus on something I can do. One thing. One piece of control.
And I do it.
And I repeat that every day.
To all those who struggle, to all those who fall, just get up and keep going…
I wrote this for me. As the focus to keep going.
Thank you for taking the time to read it.
~ Ari ~