This was not the blog post I had planned to write. Yes, shockingly, I do often plan my blog posts… other times I just write on a whim. Like today.
I’ve been struggling recently with some things in my life and one of those has been a certain person who I often clash with. They are not malicious or mean but they say things that hurt me deeply.
They make me feel that I am a disappointment and that the quirks and personality I have are wrong.
We just clash and sadly it brings out the worst in me. Who they see now is a reflection of how I feel. It is a creation that their words have formed and it’s not a nice creation. Which then adds fuel to the fire of their words.
I become someone they should be disappointed in, someone they should feel bothered by.
If they were trying to hurt me, I could deal with it, I’ve had my share of people like that growing up and you just deal. But they aren’t trying to hurt me. It is just how they are and they don’t understand what they say or how they react to me, affects me.
I have tried to speak to them but that doesn’t work – they either get defensive or just block me down with guilt. We can’t have a conversation where I express how I feel so I end up frustrated and knotted up.
So this post is for me – to help remind me that it’s okay. That no matter the words or actions that can hurt me, that I am stronger than I was. That I can get past the feelings I wallow in during and after these clashes.
These wounds are sometimes raw and I’m left to stitch myself back together. But that’s okay too. There are people who care. There are people who understand and don’t judge me. There are people who will accept me and all my crazy.
And to the person who still has the power to wound me. I know you don’t mean it, I know you just don’t understand. I’m not like you or those people you get on with.
I know I’ve always been the outcast of the family but I’m trying to be okay with that. And I need to be okay with you, not understanding. I need to let some of these wounds heal.
Words can tear us down. Actions can weigh us down. When we care about people, we give them the power to hurt us. Sometimes it will happen. But you have to take that risk and find your strength to deal with it.